And the little one rolled over

SIahn rolled for the first time on Monday, at 4 months and 1 day old. Horray! Though she's hardly done it since. hehe She had her first go in the Jolly Jumper today and loved it too - so cute to see her chubby little white thighs as she's bouncing around.

The iceblock

What'cha got there then?


Wow... interesting.


It looks reeeeeally yummy.


Ah, hey Caelan...


...Could I please have a lick?


How mean! It looks waaay yummier than my fingers.

Happy Fathers Day

This is what I did for Chris' Fathers Day Present this year which he absolutely LOVED. It's in a black 5 photo frame with white mat and looks super duper cool if I must say so myself! hehe

Thanks Melilab!

This is a photo of Siahn in her gorgeous kimono which was knitted from a free pattern written and designed by a very, very clever woman. I found it on her blog and I think it's truly adorable! Thanks sooooo much for writing and sharing your gorgeous pattern. Isn't it sweet?!?!?

Click here to check out her blog, which has heaps of adorable knitted pieces in.

Bloody evil reflux will be the death of us!

Well I'd started a post a couple of weeks ago under this heading which was all doom and gloom, so I've deleted that and we'll start again :) Yes she has reflux, yes it sucks arse, yes we've had a pretty hard time with things for the last month or so but YES it's starting to feel a bit better. So I shall grab that with two hands and run with it! hehe Nothing like a bit of positivity! We've just increased her dose of losec so hopefully that kicks in soon and improves things even more. The last couple of days haven't been near as bad as what she'd been like, actually they've been damned good. YAY!!!! Aside from the bloody evil reflux she's doing really well, she's a happy girl when she's feeling good which is so lovely. She's now 6.36kg and 61cm long - so growing well. Yay!

Caelan's awesome, he's such a clever amazing little boy and such a good big brother :) He starts daycare soon - eeekkk! hehe But it'll be good - it'll be great for him and he needs to spend time away from me and get used to other people and trust other people. Also I really need it with Siahn being so difficult a lot of the time with the reflux, it's really hard with the two of them and feels horrible when he needs and deserves more time and attention than he's getting on her bad days. It's not fair for him, so due to me really needing a regular break (haha like having a reflux baby is a break!! LOL But at least I'll only have her and not a crazy toddler as well) we've done this. He starts on Tuesday the 19th of this month and I'll be taking him next week a few times for a couple of hours to get used to it with me around. We keep talking about daycare and have bought him a special new daycare bag, lunchbox and water bottle and he's excited about it all. Hope it goes ok because I'm worried about leaving my poor boy :( He's so shy and scared of other people - it'll be hard for him. But good, he does need it.

Here are some photos of them today :) Our little rock boy and sweet girl. hehe

Vomit, jabs and Dora

Siahn is such a spew machine! We thought we had it bad in that department with Caelan, wow, she's SSSOOOOOO much worse. And the vomit washing is such a joy as well. She's heaps better in the discomfort levels relating to reflux though - much, much, much better. Her bad days are as often as Caelan's ok/good days, so although it's a pain in the arse to have another with reflux (that's being very mild as it was our worst fucking nightmare!), at least it's not as bad or worse than we first had it. She had her 6 week immunisations last Monday and even though I warned the nurse that she's a very loud screamer, she was still shocked at the volume that came from such a little baby. She's such a vocal protester about things, she was still doing this when the Dr have her the 6 week check over and he commented about it as well! hahaha All went well though, we've got Gaviscon to try first, though we haven't done this because it's such a drama to get in them and due to her protesting so voilently and loudly about everything and staying very worked up about things for so long we have been put off. Also we remember the drama forcing it into a screaming fighting Caelan before every feed - horrible, and it didn't do anything for him. But we've got to because if it gives her some comfort and lessens the crying and vomiting that would be awesome - I'll start today.

Caelan's great. He and I had some special Mama and Caelan time yesterday and went to the Dora show - he loved it! It was so nice to do something with him as well. Though poor Chris' special time with Siahn wasn't fun - she screamed pretty much the whole time. Caelan's doing really well at swimming too - getting more and more confident every week which is great. He now lets go of the sides and throws himself into the pool towards Chirs, even if Chris is far away. It's a pity it's the end of the term now, it goes so quickly! We'll have to work out things to do during these school holidays with Playgroup finished as well - hopefully it's not raining all the time otherwise he may go crazy shut inside this tiny house all the time with me and Siahn. Her screaming gets to him sometimes too, usually he's pretty good and tolerant of it, but when it's been going a long time he gets annoyed and last week shouted at her to "Stop crying please!!" when he was trying to watch The Wiggles. I totally understand what he feels like!! hehe

Siahn photos

Smiley girl.


Oh so happy!


Tummy time.


Just woken up - lookin' pretty grumpy about it too!


With her Great Grandmother.

Today's prayer

Lord give me the strength to make it through the day without killing my defiant two year old monster who has just started shouting and arguing in response to everything I say or ask - "Noooooo!" "I don't want to!" "I can't!" "Don't get angry at me!" "I wont do it!" "Don't tell me what to do!" "I'm not going to" "I'm angry at you!" all at the top of his lungs with the angriest look on his face as he glares at me... or my icky screaming demon of a baby who was awake and crying from around 2:30pm yesterday till 12am last night... or myself who has had enough. Lord give me strength.

Yawn

This having babies thing is bloody tiring! We had a shit night last night, Siahn was really miserable - going between crying, grizzling and screaming while wriggling around. She really seemed like she was in pain and at one stage Chris came in and said he's sure she's got reflux. God I hope he's wrong! I don't know what I think. Her feeding has been really weird on and off for a while now - most of the time she feeds fine and how she always has, then other times she'll wriggle and cry or whimper while feeding and pull off and scream. She obviously hungry though and wriggles around then gets back on, feeds for a little while before crying during feeding again and eventually pulling off and screaming again. We try burping her when this happens, sometimes she burps, sometimes she doesn't. Either way though it doesn't stop the strange feeding. This strange feeding has been happening for the last week and more in the last couple of days - so much that she's hardly feeding as much as she used to. When she feeds like this she doesn't end up feeding at all after a few attempts and pulling off screaming. When we finally settle her down, she usually falls asleep straight away and wont wake to feed, so she goes to bed not having fed that time. It's worrying and it definitely could be reflux. But it could also be to do with how difficult it is for her to feed and she's getting frustrated. She has always had a hard time feeding due to the tongue-tie and although she got better she's always lost her latch frequently through all feeds. She'll suck a couple of times, then lose the latch, suck a couple of times, lose the latch - this has always happened and her feeding is really noisy and clicky due to it. I think it'd be frustrating and tiring - sometimes she stops feeding earlier and I think it's because of that, usually that happens at a particularly bad feed where she's falling off/losing latch a lot and it's like she can't be arsed dealing with it anymore so just stops. I don't blame her! So I don't know if all the screaming and crying during feeds is to do with that and being annoyed with it and getting really tired from it or if it's the dreaded reflux. Ugh.

She's booked in to get "the snip" on Tuesday at 11am. I CAN'T WAIT!!!! It's a bummer we couldn't get in earlier, with her feeding so bad four days seems like an eternity to wait. But we've gone this long without it I'm sure she can wait till then. I'm really worried about it, but after talking to a friend whose little boy got done at 6 weeks I'm feeling a little better (thanks Maurine!!). Plus I'm sure I've read absolutely ever piece of information on the condition and procedure available! TWICE EVEN!! hehe Though the idea of someone cutting a part of my baby's tongue without any aesthetic or anything is still scary, scary shit!

Caelan's great and we're soooooo fucking thankful that he doesn't wake to her night screaming sessions. That would be the killer. Though, Chris did have to go to him last night - he'd woken with a poo. Weird! But after a change and being convinced it's not "up time" he went back to sleep.

Speaking of poo's, earlier in the week we were in the lounge and Caelan starts walking to his room saying "I'm going to do a wee wee in my room" (or at least that's what I thought he said at the time, now that I think about it he probably said poo poo) and I said "No you're not, remember you wear undies now cause you're a big boy so I'll open the bathroom door and you can do a wee wee in the potty or toilet". Off we go with him saying "Ok, I'm gonna do a poo poo on the potty", I said "Cool, ok you do a poo poo on the potty and when you do you can have a special treat". He sits down on the potty and does a poo poo - as if he's always done it!!!! No drama. No problems. Just like that. I was over the moon!!! It hasn't happened since as he's tended to go while he's go his night nappy on, but it was pretty exciting! Dunno why he's gone from being fine to poo in the potty to not, but we'll get there. I think it's pretty amazing that he's toilet trained for wees so early without major drama or anyw accidents anyway. Can't have it all right?

Siahn's 4 weeks old tomorrow

Bloody hell, second time around it goes even faster! If that's possible!!! I know I was always going on about how quickly the time had gone with Caelan and how I couldn't believe he was already how-ever-old... I have no idea how the hell Siahn is already nearly a month old!!! But she is and she's doing well, putting on weight awesomely regardless of the spewing, which actually isn't as much anymore. She's still "spilly" (find that term really funny), just not as many projectile or huge cot drenching, baby drowning ones - this pleases me! She's pretty screamy but we're hoping it's nothing more than that, refusing to think it's reflux just yet thanks. We keep telling ourselves that these are normal baby things and she wont have reflux, she WONT have reflux, she fucking better not have reflux!!!

She's been smiling since just before two weeks old. Real smiles, smiles where she looks at us and then slowly smiles till it's a gorgeous gummy grin reaching her eyes too. It's so lovely and I've been trying desperately to get a photo of it. So far have only managed to get one on my phone - so the quality is poos. At first Chris thought I was mad when I told him she was smiling, but then when he saw it he knew. Gill has seen it too and thinks that because she was so overcooked she's doing things earlier. She's smiling all the time now, which is good because it makes all the sleep deprivation and screaming much easier to deal with!

She's feeding heaps better but her tongue-tie still concerns me, I dunno if we should get it snipped now before she's too much older and actually has a problem with it. Or do we wait to see if it's a problem. I sooooo don't want her to have speech difficulties due to it, or have a lisp. Might call our doctor to see what he would recommend. A friend visited yesterday and after seeing Siahn's tongue said if it was her she'd get it done. It is pretty tied and when she moves it to cry or anything it gets heart-shaped at the tip (which means it's pretty tight for her and pulling when she moves it), she hardly ever pokes it out of her mouth. Actually I don't think she ever has. It comes to her bottom lip, but that's the most I've seen it come out I think. Something we have to decide pretty soon, like this week I think.

Anyway, here's a photo of her taken this morning. She soooooo looks like Caelan! I remember a photo of Caelan like this and it looks just like this. Crazy.



Caelan's really good. Still snotty but feeling fine now. He's pretty crazy and full-on at the moment - I think it's called being a two year old! hahaha He's great though, aside from being pretty rough and yucky with Siahn a few times - GGRRRRRRR. It's only to be expected though huh? Generally he's pretty good, wowing everyone (including us - though we're getting used to it, so much that it seems odd when other kids his age don't talk! hehe) with his amazing talking. We keep saying that Siahn isn't gonna talk till she's 15 because he's been so amazing at it. We've used up our good talking quote with him and she'll be incredibly slow!

We have demon children

We had sooooo sooooooo sooooooooo hoped that Mark II would be a lovely, easy, delightful normal baby. Caelan was/is hard work a lot of the time and with all that reflux shit and screaming he's done/does we had hoped like heck this meant we would get an easy second one but unfortunately it's not seeming to pan out this way. Though it still is early days and I'm not prepared to give up hope just yet. Though yesterday it was a different story - the morning was bad but we finally got out the door and to playgroup where I was asked by a few people if I was ok and that I didn't look good, the beaten look must have been showing through! haha I was too tired and had THE BIGGEST headache known to mankind (well maybe not quite but it sure felt like it!). Then we got back and the afternoon got worse, the worse started when Demon2 screamed A LOT before finally going to sleep and 5 minutes later Demon1 woke after only 30 mins sleep screaming the house down, not able to be stopped or calmed for anything (even The Wiggles who can sometimes help in these bad times didn't work), cuddles, talking, distraction - nothing worked, he just screamed and screamed while pushing me away. I then pleading with him to stop, telling him that I cant handle it at all today and please stop screaming because if Demon2 wakes I'd just cry. Demon2 then woke screaming her head off, I cried and me crying made Demon1 scream louder. I went and got Demon2 from her cot - she just screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed (anyone would think someone was ripping her arms off - I did consider it!). We went back into Demon1's bedroom where he was still screaming blue murder. I sat down on the bed and cried with the screaming Demons, 1 next to me with my arm around him and 2 on my lap throwing herself around. It was horrible. I called Chris crying and all he could hear was screaming. It was a bad, bad afternoon. When it all finally subsided about 45 minutes later and we were calmly watching The Wiggles with Demon2 feeding Gill turned up and Demon1 told her "Mama was crying on my bed, we were all crying". Gawd. LOL She didn't notice or hear what he said though thank fuck! He said it again and I quickly said "I don't know where your digger is, why don't you go and look in your room".

The kids

hahaha That cracks me up! We have kids - it just sounds weird. I haven't even gotten used to be pregnant (the first time!!!!) and now we have kids, PLURAL! Strange stuff.

Let's start with the biggun... he's such a good big brother! He's handling it SOOOOO much better than I expected. I thought he'd struggle, seeing as though he's such a Mama's boy, but no he's fine. He's handled it all wonderfully and loves Siahn. He found it a little odd when Chris bought him into the hospital the morning after she was born, he'd seen me the morning before at home and then suddenly I was in this strange place with this strange little baby attached to me. He was looking at me oddly while taking it all in, but he has done so, so, so well. We explained everything and he understands, he knows she's his little sister and he's her big brother. He like's to cuddle her on the couch and kisses her sweetly - it's so gorgeous! He does get a little rough every now and then - but he is only two and a boy at that! hehe

He's had a cold lately, but is getting better now - though of course that's just the start of all the disease and sickness bloody winter brings!! The main thing to mention here is he wears undies all the time now! Well apart from sleeping, which he still wears a nappy for. He's done so well and has just got it, without a problem, clever kid!. Though we're having a wee problem, well actually it's a poo problem! He has decided for some reason that he doesn't wanna do poos on the potty/toilet. Dunno why. Dunno what started it. But we're working on it and will get there soon I'm sure.

Siahn, pronounced Sea-arn not Sharn like the Gaelic Sian!!! A lot of people have been saying Sharn even though we put the "h" before the "n" to dissuade people from doing it. Even though it's not spelt the same and is a different name it's still been happening. But NO everyone it's not supposed to be pronounced Sharn and is not the Gaelic name Sian that means God is gracious. It's Siahn - just something we made up after seeing the name Sian and liking the sound of Sea-arn and how it works with Caelan. It's so annoying to be told by people that it's pronounced Sharn and it means God is gracious - well NO IT'S NOT! And NOT IT DOESN'T! Crickey! We named her, we should know! hehe

Anyway, she's really good. She's much better at sleeping at night now - she screamed for the first five nights of her life till we had enough and put her in her bed to scream herself to sleep. Otherwise we were going to be killing both of them the next day after so many nights of no sleep - well me mainly as I'd had three nights extra nights of it in hospital. Though Chris wasn't too keen on the couple of nights he'd had! He is the tougher one with the crying and leaving her - I have a really hard time with it, especially with a newborn. An older baby, even though it's still hard, is a bit easier for me, not so heart-wrenching. Anyway she didn't cry for long and soon we were all sleeping. It's hard though because she pretty much screams before every sleep and I sooooooo didn't want another one of those. It's so tough listening to so much screaming and crying, hopefully she gets the hang of it though and stops it soon and just goes straight to sleep. Caelan didn't really ever get to that stage till around a year old - but of course he was dealing with reflux (which we hope, hope, hope like hell she's not!) so that's why he didn't ever get it. I find it super hard and it feels wrong for one so young, but Gill continues to say there's nothing wrong with it and Chris is for it, so I shall try to be tough.

She isn't going to get her frenulum (the skin that connects the underside of the tongue to the bottom of the mouth) snipped now either - thank god!!! There was worry that she has ankyloglossia (Tongue-Tie) - which is the tongue movement being restricted by a tight frenulum. She was having trouble latching and keeping the latch due to this and wow oh wow - this really makes feeding painful while they try to work it out!! My poor nipples looked as if they'd been chewed up and spat out then glued back on in a rough manner! So so so so so so sooooo painful but thankfully she worked it out and my poor nipples started healing and she put on weight really well. YAY. I was so worried about this having to be done, I know there's nothing to it and heaps of babies get it done and they don't remember. But I didn't want it anyway thanks very much!!! Bloody Chris and his deformed tongue getting passed on to our kids! hehehe Thankfully though it hasn't effected Caelan's speech in any way - he is super advanced and doesn't have a lisp or anything much to my delight! Soooo I'm hoping it's the same with her too - they can do it later on but it's a bigger operation then and it's done under general anesthetic when they're older, but if she needs it later on then that's ok. I would have hated to do it to her as a baby for no reason, so just waited to see if the feeding improved and it did!

She's putting on weight awesomely actually, was nearly back up to her birth weight in a week - she was 3.7kg within a week. Good girl huh?!? And put on 520g in the next week - yay. That was the weight gain Caelan was having weekly, sometimes it was more which was crazy but then it leveled out to just over 500g. She's amazingly spewy - way more than him, and we thought he was spewy! But she really is, big power chucks frequently and vomits in her bed every sleeptime - sometimes huge and drenching herself and all the bedding (this happens every couple of days). As well as the projectile ones, she does big normal vomits, heaps of milk everywhere as well as spilling pretty much constantly. It sucks. As if babies didn't create enough washing anyway, hers is horrendous with her constantly hurling everywhere all over herself, us, our bed, her bed, her capsule and where ever else she happens to get. This makes us pretty nervous about the reflux thing, now is the time you usually start seeing effects of this. She is seeming to be less settled over the last couple of days, but who knows - babies are unsettled and do cry for no apparent reason and not sleep when they should. For the past couple of days she's been really unsettled from the afternoon throughout the night and then her feeding went funny and suddenly changed. Last night it was like she was starving and would feed for a little while (less than a quarter of the time she'd usually feed for) and then stop, then scream blue murder, feed for a little while, stop and scream blue murder again. This went on from 3am till 8ish - scares me!!! That could be caused by reflux but then again it could just be a baby being a baby too!

Siahn Anahera Clark

At 42 weeks pregnant I finally got my first contraction at about 6:15am on Tuesday the 13th of May. I think I was about to wake and the pain of it made sure I definitely did, I lay there for a while thinking OUCH! and wondering if that was a contraction. I kinda thought it was because the night before we'd walked up the driveway to feed the horses and I got pretty severe back pain, I don't know why I thought that meant anything but I did. I lay there for a while longer thinking about how I was feeling and waiting for more pain, sure enough I got another one about 6 minutes later. WOW! This might just be it!!! They were pretty strong and full-on too, not at all what I'd been told or read about how it started. I then got up and went to the loo and got back into bed just before getting the third around 5 minutes later again, just as Chris' alarm went off at 6:30am. I told him I think he'd better let his bosses know he wont be in today as I've just had three contractions and they seem to be around 5 minutes apart and pretty strong. I'd read and been told that they start like period pain and pretty mild and further apart, so that's what I'd been expecting, I'd also expected that the first stage of labour would last a day, at least half a day and that I'd been fine to get some stuff done (including pack my bag! hehe Hopeless huh?!?!). Chris started timing and they were 5 minutes apart lasting around 30-40 seconds and pretty strong, enough to make me really take notice and be in quite a bit of pain. Within an hour they were really strong, so that I had to concentrate on relaxing and breathing through them, so we thought I'd better call my midwife as we'd never discussed when to call her - so I made the call to find out when to call! I told her that I'd been having what I can only imagine are contractions and they're 5 minutes apart and lasting around 45 seconds, she asked how long I'd been having them and I told her an hour, she then told me that I should ignore those as it could go on for a day or two like that. Christ all mighty woman! There is no way these could go on for two days like that - I sure as hell couldn't anyway! They were really sore and strong by then. She seemed rather irritated by me calling after just an hour and I explained that I just wanted to know when she wanted to hear from me as we hadn't discussed it. She said usually she would tell people to call her when they were 5 minutes apart, but only getting the first one an hour ago, it was highly unlikely that I was even in labour yet. Phft! Not in labour - by then I knew I definitely was in labour and it was happening quickly. She told me to call her when they were lasting a minute.

They got stronger and stronger each time, I had a shower to try to ease the pain which was growing strongly in my back as time wore on. By now I was really breathing through them and having to focus on relaxing, along with the moaning in pain of course! I was able to eat some porridge, not sure how, I didn't want it at all and I was in horrendous pain. It seemed like no time and they were lasting a minute and sometimes 3 minutes apart - these were really strong buggers too! I called back and let her know, she still seemed unconvinced that I was in labour, telling me to meet her at Botany and she would see if I was in labour, if I wasn't I'd have to come home, if I was we'd go straight to Middlemore so bring my bag. Hhhhmmm my bag... SHIT! My bag!!! Got off the phone and started attempting to get dressed and pack my bag - wow this was a feat and a half! I just couldn't do it! There I was thinking I'd be able to get a load of washing done, wait for it to dry, get it in, fix a fence with Chris and move the miniature horses, all while in first stage labour - getting these far apart polite little period pain contractions I heard so much about. Ha fucking ha! No way!! With my excruciating doubling-over totally impolite contractions I could barely put my bloody undies on!!! They were coming so hard and fast that I would not even get over one before the next one started - good lord, how on earth was I going to survive the car ride to Botany?!?! Not to mention the one to Middlemore after that, yes after that, meaning the contractions would be harder and closer together. I couldn't imagine it, but it still frightened the shit out of me. I couldn't pack my bag at all, Chris had to come in and do it while I leaned over furniture dying of incredible back pain - which soon Chris was rubbing my back frantically through to try to ease some of it. Shit people weren't wrong when they said that posterior labours are excruciating with unbelievable back pain. Not wrong there. The contractions themselves were sore and through a few of them I was rubbing my abdomen to ease the burning pain, but that was something I could handle, it was really sore but not kill-me type sore like the back pain.

Finally the bag was packed and I was in the car, dying through another hideous contraction. I was in the back seat really pulling against the back and front headrests to get me through the contractions that were much stronger now. I couldn't imagine making it all the way there, but of course I had to so I just focused myself and tried to relax in between and really think about all of me relaxing so I truly was before the next one came. I don't remember how many I had on the way there but it wasn't fun. I just wanted to be standing and leaning against something as I had been at home. When we got there I promptly hurled in the carpark in front of some man who was more than likely horribly grossed out by me. We were parked right outside the front door but I still managed to have two contractions on the way in leaning on Chris. I felt pretty horrible by now, with the nausea and totally wiped out by how hard and fast it had all started. Gill (my midwife) asked if my waters had broken "No" and had I had a show "No", I think this just made her think even more that I wasn't in labour. But when she checked me she announced "Well you're definitely in labour and are halfway there. 5cm dilated." That was such a relief because if she had have told me to go home I would have just cried and refused to leave! hehe She told us to head straight to Middlemore and she'd meet us there. Fuck, another car ride, well this might just kill me I thought.

But no, I survived, to make another spewing and contracting entrance in the carpark there at around 12:30pm. It was horribly embarrassing cause there were so many people around, I went to the front of the car to get my lean on and promptly hurled as the contraction started. It so hard to focus on heaving and dying at once! But I also managed this quite well and thankfully we got a carpark right next to the entrance. We walked in and I had another contraction on Chris infront of the elevator, with the silly girlie at the coffee bar next to me laughing. Arsehole. May bad things happen to her for that!

Upstairs in our delivery suite I spewed my way through more painful back contractions with Chris pressing really hard on my lower back through them, and then Gill gave me something for the nausea, which was great when it kicked in! Wahoo no more vomiting!! I was hooked up to a machine to track the contractions and one to monitor the baby, though this kept on falling off and after a while a monitor was attached to the baby's head. A catheter was put in - ugh, but made things way more comfortable. And I was used as a pin cushion while they tried to put a lure in for liquid and drugs. Wow this took a long time, Chris said he had to stop watching after a while because it looked too brutal. Felt too brutal too!! The membranes ruptured at 1pm and things kept on as they had been for a while and then backed off, the contractions really slowed down but were still really strong and getting worse for my back. It picked up again and it got to the point that I seriously thought I was going to die from the pain. That sounds crazy now, but that's how bad it was. I felt incredibly ill, shaky and like there was something really wrong with me. I just wasn't there, even in between contractions I wasn't there. Chris said I looked horrible and not there as well, he said I was a horrible colour and looked like I was going to pass out or had a lot of the time. It really was horrible. After talking about an epidural with Gill and her explaining that it would pretty much take away the pain and enable me to rest, she said she thought it would be a good idea, so I said I wanted one. Waiting for the epidural to be organised and the anesthetist to become available was the worst time because everything was getting stronger and worse - I was at the point of shouting and crying through contractions due to the back pain and telling Chris it's going to kill me. The gas did nothing, like absolutely nothing. Because it was doing nothing I kept stopping taking it but was told by everyone there to keep breathing it. So I did. I think because it gave me something to focus on and make me keep breathing.

Getting the epidural in place during the contractions was soooooo hard. I had to be in a horrible position on my side and keep still through the contractions - wow, what an ask! It took a while, but once the epidural took effect it pretty much took away the contraction pain but the back pain was still there, slightly eased, but still really bad. After an hour more of painful back contractions (pretty much didn't notice the actual contraction pain anymore at all) the anesthetist was called back in, they tested the block and explained that I wasn't getting the coverage I should have been from it. Sheesh - I didn't really need telling! They topped it up and we waited for that to take effect - it was heaps better. I still had bad back pain but it was handleable. Thank god!!! At 5:30pm Gill checked me again and I was 10cm - fully dilated! Yay! Although the baby was nowhere near where it should be, argh! At one stage the babys heart was doing some dicky things which concerned Gill a little and another Dr came in to look at the chart and then decided to come back in 10 minutes to see how things were doing. Gill said if it continued we'd have to get the baby out via emergency caesarean. But when the Dr came back it had all settled down again and the contractions had slowed down as well. After a few more hours they picked up again and when they'd been around 3-4 minutes apart for quite some time Gill said I should start pushing to try to move this baby down.

The pushing started, it was so difficult and tiring. After about an hour or so Gill asked if it felt like I was pushing my baby down with the contractions and my answer was "Not at all!". I was getting tired and it really didn't feel like it was doing anything. Gill then turned the epidural back to half of what it had been on - I'm thinking now that she thought I couldn't feel anything. Though I actually meant that the baby didn't feel like it was moving down at all. Anyway once this took effect my back got much worse again. Chris was amazing throughout all of this, putting pressure on my back when I needed it (I know it would have been killing his hands after a while) and really supporting me wonderfully, telling me how well I was doing and encouraging me through the pushing. Gill disappeared a few times and then told me that a Dr would come in an examine me, I knew that it ending in emergency c-section was a possibility and I'd told Gill that I would be fine with it, I'd gone into labour, I'd tried and done everything I could. Well the Dr examined me through a contraction and afterwards she said that there's no way this baby is going to be born vaginally and it would have to be caesarean. I cried. I didn't expect to feel so disappointed, I knew it may happen and I thought I was fine. But I wasn't, it was so disappointing, after all of that and then it still couldn't happen. I got so close to having the birth I wanted, but it just didn't happen. I lay there and said "Ok" as the tears streamed down my face. Chris was stroking my hair and telling me I did amazingly and that I did all I could. I just nodded and silently cried. He lent down and hugged me as the Dr and Gill went about the business of organising the emergency caesarean.

It seemed to take forever for this to be arranged and the whole time the contractions were coming really hard and fast and everything in me was telling me to keep pushing, but everyone around me was telling me not to push and just breath through the contractions. That was so hard. I was in agony again by now and totally unplugged from all the drugs. Shortly I was again crying through the contractions and saying "My back! My back! It's going to kill me". It was a horrible journey in the bed to the operating room, a haze of moving corridors and incredible pain. Again I was amazed at all the people in the room (as I was with Caelan) and they were pretty quick at getting the epidural into me and up to the right level of no feeling. Thank god! I think it took around half an hour to get this up to the right level though because it had apparently pretty much totally worn off - no wonder I was dying again. We were told that it would take longer as they were dealing with an already scarred uterus etc.

Well it sure did take a very long time and shortly after I was told that all the cuts had been made and they were about to get the babies head out, things changed. There were a lot of horrible pulling sensations and awful feelings, I was told that my babies head was nearly out, more really ugly feelings, then they said the body was getting pulling out now. I heard the cry and immediately I cried and smiled. My baby. It's such an amazing feeling hearing that first cry. I was being told that it was a beautiful baby and had lots of hair. I was then asked if I'd like to know what it was and I said I'd like Chris to tell me. I was dying to know and he wasn't telling me, I was lying there hearing that cry with tears running down my face. I heard Chris ask if it was a girl and then Gill was holding the baby and walking past me, as she held the baby in front of me but it wasn't low enough and I still couldn't see. "What is it?" I asked and Chris turned from the table where they were checking the baby and said "A girl!". He was no longer a person, he was just a smile. A huge walking smile. I watched him and cried. The feeling of love I felt for him as I watched him looking at her with such joy was amazing. I lay there watching him with a big smile as the tears were getting wiped from my face for me. We had a girl. A little girl. Our little girl.

It was quite a while later that I realised the feeling in there had changed from being pretty relaxed to very tense and urgent feeling. Gill went from being normal to very concerned and looking worried, she started asking me if I was ok a lot more and holding my hand or rubbing my arm or head. She was asking Chris if he was alright a lot as well and rubbing his hand or arm. It struck me as kinda weird as I thought she would have seen all of this a lot, why is she so concerned. I nearly asked if something had happened and turned to look at the girlie that was always by my left shoulder explaining what was happening. But she wasn't there, she'd appeared suddenly and put more drugs in and looked kinda worried too while telling me that it will make the pulling sensation I might be feeling go away. I was feeling like I could vomit again and was given something for that. Chris was soon next to me with our little girl snuggled up on his chest having skin to skin. I couldn't see her well but it was wonderful to look at her being held so close to Chris. It felt nice to know that she was bonding straight away with him seeing as though she couldn't be put straight on the boob. After a while Gill came over and put her on me against my face - that was awesome, she was too close to see but I was able to talk to her and kiss her. After a while I thought I was gonna vomit on her so she was taken off, that wouldn't have been a good welcome to the world! I was given more drugs for the nausea. As I lay there I thought I heard from their hushed talkings something about my uterus and tearing. Though I wasn't sure and was going to ask again what had happened but I couldn't see anyone to ask and got distracted by our little girl. It took a very long time for them to stitch me up but when it was finally done we headed down to recovery.

Gill put our little girl on my breast and she started suckling immediately. What a clever girl!!! After so long as well and she just knew what to do. I was so worried that she wouldn't know after Caelan, but she was great. Then the surgeon came in and explained that there had been complications and when they were trying to get her head up and out my uterus had torn down the left hand side as had my cervix and top of my vagina. She explained that she stitched these up as best she could and she was happy with the job she'd done, though due to the nature of the tearing and where it was not all of it could be stitched and that hopefully these will bind and heal themselves. There was concern that they'd nicked my left kidney as well and I would need a scan on Thursday to check the status of my left kidney and bladder. It was weird listening to all of this being explained to me and thinking 'Wow, this sounds serious and it all just happened to me while I was awake and here I am hearing about it all'. It was odd, we were told a Doctor would come to see me in the morning and answer any questions and go over the implications this has on subsequent pregnancies. When she finished explaining everything that had gone wrong, Chris asked if it was serious and she said if things dont heal properly then it could be serious. I asked how this would effect recovery and if it would be longer because of the tearing, she said that it wouldn't, it would be the same 6 weeks recovery as a normal c-section but I would be in a lot more pain initially (christ she wasn't wrong!!!! The pain was incredible!). She explained that I would need a check up in 12 weeks and again in 6 months. I thanked her and off she went. We were soon taken up to our room and I was able to feed Siahn properly. We have our little girl! That's the end of kids for us now after all that drama unfortunately, so we're soooo thankful that we got our girl, we have one of each and that's pretty damned lucky.

Siahn Anahera Clark
13 May 2008
10:06pm
3.77kg
54cm

Here are photos of her extraction :) I found out afterwards that my uterus was outside my body for over an hour while they located and mended the rest of the tearing. Gill was horrified by it all, she'd never seen it be taken out of the body before, let alone for so long! You can see my uterus sitting there in one of the photos - so weird to look at your organs outside of your body!