Breastfeeding

It is an amazing thing to sit quitely with your baby, them feeding while looking up at you with such loving eyes and to know that it's solely you keeping them alive and giving them what they need to grow and develop. It's awesome. Nothing at all compares.

All the cracked nipples, painfully full breasts, clogged milk ducts and mastitis seem inconsequential - this is where you hear that sound of a record being played backwards. haha It's all horribly painful but you do forget it in that awesome moment. A friend was saying how she's looking forward to being pregnant and breastfeeding and I told her what I've written above, it really is wonderful.

Poos and wees

Caelan seems to be getting a little worse again damn it all - he hasn't been feeding well. Really squirmy and whingy when feeding which means he doesn't feed for long and cries because he's hungry but cries because he's in pain/uncomfortable when feeding. It's just not fair. Also doesn't make for very nice feeling nipples let me tell you! All that pulling off and crying really takes it's toll - YOUCHY!

It's all happening

It feels like we just might get our boy fixed soon. haha I wish they had a Little-boy Fixit Shop or something! An amazing friend (you'll read why he's amazing further on) visited last week, he saw the video of Caelan's spasm thing and told me about his doctor. This doctor is apparently brilliant and very well known for his works - anyway he doesn't take on any new clients as he's so busy with those he currently has. Mike (amazing friend) said he'd talk to him as he was seeing him the following day, he visited after his appointment as said he'd got us in by describing Caelan's "condition" and saying I was his cousin. He gave me the details and said the receptionist was expecting my call, as he was leaving he handed me an envelope - it had $300 in it! I nearly died and told him to take it back, he refused and said "It's for Caelan, I just want him to get better". That made me cry - it was so nice!! See - amazing friend huh? He said that his doctor is expensive so that can help. Amazing friend!

The appointment is on the 5th of July and we're really looking forward to it. I've researched the doctor who now has a name - Dr Allan Phillips from Neurolink (Click here to check out his website). He uses a Neurological Integration System of treatment which sounds great. He is known worldwide for his "why" approach and that really excites me! I've always been saying that I want to find out why Caelan's having these problems and fix that, rather than medicate the symptoms which most of the medical field seem to do. And amazing friend wasn't kidding when he said he was expensive!!! $190 for the first visit and $130 thereafter - whew!!! But Chris and I would try anything, we just want Caelan to be better. Though this doctor wouldn't have been an option without Mike's help. It means so much to us.

The weekend was pretty good - Caelan is so much happier. He had a bad 4-5 hours last night but that's nothing in two days - so much better than he was. His spasm things seem to be happening more often I think, Chris thinks they're getting worse, I'm not sure. He had some pretty bad ones just lying in his buggy on Saturday which was horrible - that's the first time we've noticed them happen while lying down. It's pretty scary. He did have quite a lot over the weekend - it makes me feel so bad, I apologise to him as if it's my fault. Not that he even understands me! This morning I was in his room about to get him up and he was happily chatting to me from his cot, I was putting some clothes away in his wardobe when he screamed horrendously. When I turned his face was bright red and he was really unhappy - it was like a pain scream. I hope he didn't get one then. I hope they aren't getting worse! I hope Dr Allan Phillips can find what's causing this.

Cute boy

Chillin'.




A kiss from Toa.




Me and Frank sleeping on Mummy's lap.

Beanie guys

Took this yonks ago but just printed it for our wall and had to post it here. LOVE IT!

Caelan thought the massage class was a little too much - he was great for the first half and then cried about all this rubbing at bed time! He fed before we left and it started when he should have been sleeping, he really didn't think that was a good idea. I picked him up to calm him down and he was asleep in my arms pretty soon. Had a good sleep when he got home, but wasn't happy last night. Seemed to be in pain and didn't feed well. This meant that didn't sleep through - poos! He woke at 4:30am hungry as he hadn't fed well for his last two feeds of the day. Hope this doesn't wreck his sleeping through the night which he'd been doing for a while. Please no! He'd been sleeping from 9:30pm to around 7am, yesterday it was 7:30am - 10 hours sleep. What a good boy! Oooohhhh please don't let this take him back in his night sleeps.

4th of July is the day

Got the letter last night and Caelan's appointment with the Paediatrician is on the 4th of July. AWESOME!! I'll leave his Losec dosage as it is until then. He's doing so well on the apple he has with it, I was really worried about that and didn't know how he'd take it. But he LOVES it! It felt really wrong to be giving such a little baby solids but that's how it's to be given, and it is only half a teaspoon to a teaspoon at the most. They say not to think of it as an introduction to solids but more like the sweet syrup used in other medicines. So that's how I shall think of it! :)

We've got a baby massage course today at 11:30, really looking forward to that. I've been giving him massages but just doing what I want rather than having learnt anything. I hope he loves it. Hopefully he doesn't hollar and annoy the other babies!

I jinxed it!

I knew I shouldn't have written that things were improving... yesterday we had a horrible day! Caelan was awake crying from 3pm to 10pm - though when he finally got to sleep he slept for 9 hours. Thank goodness. All that crying is horrible though. Poor wee boy! Poor Mummy! Poor Daddy! He just wouldn't settle at all, feeding was bad, everything was crap.

Today we went to the Plunket Family Centre to see if they could help with what we're doing and so I could get a break. Even though we were there for his best sleep time, it was wonderful to get a break. We got there at 9am, feed at 10am, at 11am they told me to go upstairs for a sleep and they'd deal with him, it was horrible leaving my crying baby with strangers at the beginning. I just lay there for an hour, completely exhausted with a headache but unable to sleep. I was gonna give up and go back down but stayed there, and thank goodness because I fell asleep! It was lovely, I got just under an hour. He'd also slept quite well, they said he took a while to get to sleep (he'd been up since 7am and was WAY overtired), then woke after an hour and had to be resettled. It was so good to get a break. We got back at 3pm and he's still crying. I keep going to comfort him and then leave but it's just not working - I think I've just got to give up and get him up. It's been an hour now and that's not good. Off I go. Oh, they said that perhaps his medication needs to be looked at and that he may need more than he's getting, so I'll talk to the doctor about that.

I'm off. the screaming is frantic now.

Double digits!

Caelan's 10 weeks old and dribbling heaps! He's also just discovered his hands AND that he controls them. He's completely mesmerised by them - holds them up infront of his face and stares at them and tries his hardest to move them or keep them still. He tries so hard that he shakes and grunts while he's staring at them, all the while dribbling horrendously! He gets really frustrated with them as well when they don't do what he wants and keep hitting him in the face. It's really adorable, he is so determined to master them and is at it just about the whole time he's awake. The rest of the time he's feeding, crying, sleeping or pooing!



He's been on the Losec granules for 7 days now and we think we're seeing an improvement (it's so scary to say that as it feels like I'll jinx it!). He goes to sleep without crying for ages and sleeps for longer. He still wakes regularly during sleep time and hollars but he falls back to sleep most of the time. He's also much happier - it's soooo good.

The doctor saw the video of his spasm thing and said he's never seen anything like it. We're to limit it from happening as we've been doing. So it's slow movements while holding him and no bouncing etc. The doctor doesn't think it's due to the reflux but said it could be... so who knows? He sure doesn't! He's referred us to a Paediatrician and thinks that the wait may be about 6 weeks with the strikes at the moment - bummer! But at least we're in the system now and we'll be seen, hopefully, soon.

Hope and faith restored

We have hope and feel a lot better about things and like it'll get better and we're not mad! Nothing has changed in Caelan but last night we met a wonderful woman who has daughter with reflux and understands and acknowledges how hard it is. It means so much after feeling like most people think we're overreacting first-time parents. She contacted me through a forum that I'm a member of and has always given lots of great advice, encouragement and suggestions and shed light on so much as her girl is now 9 months old. We met her and her little girl last night, talking with her was so good! Her husband came home and they both talked about how they went through exactly what we're going through with Caelan and how they felt like they were gonna go mad with the constant crying and people implying that nothing was wrong. Things improved so much for their wee girl on the losec granules and although it's not magic, it's a heck of a lot better than it was. On the Reflux Support website there's a little verse about an angel coming along, someone who knows and helps - she's an angel. Actually I'm gonna copy it here! Hold the line please caller....

"Reflux

Parents through no fault of their own endure their own child's screaming, squirming, spilling/vomiting, pain, excessive wind, sleep deprivation, feeding difficulties, dehydration and poor growth only to resort to medication, operations, alternative therapies, diet management and self help strategies to overcome a disease frequently misunderstood.

They doubt their abilities as parents, as mothers, as medical providers, nurturers, incubators, but still try to provide the educational, loving environment expected of a new parent. They trial advice from every possible avenue in order to 'cure' this debilitating disease through a cloud of misguided advice and negative comments from family, friends and professionals alike.

This is not how it was supposed to be.

Then an angel appears, sometimes in the form of a friend, a family member or a professional who really listens, acknowledges the difficulties, empathises, cuddles (both the baby and you), cooks, cleans or baby-sits and then the angel, that 'needle in the haystack', the angel who has walked that road before us, who offers advice and support derived from experience not textbooks. That feeling that you are not alone, you can survive, as can your marriage or relationship and that it doesn't last forever.

And then, once the worst is past, that thought from the powerful force that is motherhood that enables us to risk enduring it all again for another beautiful, original, heart stopping masterpiece."

Last night we videoed Caelan's spasm things, it felt so horrible to do but if it helps then it was worth it. He didn't do one of his worst ones and I didn't let it go for long as I can't bear to see him in that much pain. But at least it shows what happens and that he's fine and happy when it comes on and what we do to make it go. Because I didn't let it go for long he didn't do his sucking in of air and horrible scream afterwards, but I already felt like a bastard of a mummy letting it go for as long as I did! Hopefully the doctor can shed some light on things. I'll definitely be changing the liquid to granules as well.

He talks and giggles!!

We had a LOVELY time yesterday! It was an amazing morning - Caelan was so happy; didn't scream or squirm, fed well, was happy, smiling, giggling and talking with us and slept when it was sleep time. It was so nice. We even went to check out Sylvia Park and he slept the whole time in the car and his buggy - this never happens! It was like having a normal, healthy, happy baby. The losec must be starting to work! HORRAY!!!! He was back to the normal grizzly Caelan in the afternoon and had problems feeding due to pain, then didn't sleep well but it was a fantastic weekend because of that half day.

We had a visit on Friday afternoon from friends - Maria and little George - and of course the whole time they were here Caelan was a perfect angel! When they left it was bedtime and the screaming began and contined till about 7:15pm when Mummy and Daddy walked out the door. Yep that's right we'd had enough! Seriously though, we went out to dinner and it was a lovely to get a break, of course we talked about Caelan the whole time! hehe Grandma and Granddad looked after Caelan who screamed most of the time and finally slept after a little sit up in his bouncer. Uncle Matt and Crystal visited on Saturday afternoon and were amazed at how much he'd grown and changed.

It's times like yesterday morning which'll keep us sane and make all the bad seem manageable I'm sure.



I'm a big boy now Uncle Matt!




Me and my Mummy.




I find it so funny when Mummy pretends to eat my legs.




Can ya give me some help here?!




No more photos!

Proof!

I took this photo yesterday as proof that he does actually sleep. It may not be often but it does happen, so when I feel like he never sleeps I can just look at this photo and realise that yes, he does infact sleep sometimes.

He's two months old today and boy oh boy he's not an easy baby that's for sure! I'm in the process of contacting the Reflux Support site people and a reflux forum to see if they can shed some light on his spasms. In all my research I haven't read about it or anything that sounds similar and am wondering if it has anything to do with his hernia, the reflux or if it's something completely new. I'll copy and paste my message in here so I don't have to retype it -

"Hi there - I'm a first time caller LOL My two month old has reflux, diagnosed at 3 weeks. He was on gaviscon which did nothing and after another couple of trips to A & E and Starship he's now on losec (liquid). Been on for 6 days now and there is no improvement much to my heartache! I realise it can take a couple of weeks to work so I'll hang in there before going completely insane.

He screams a lot in pain, vomits a lot and has a wheezy sharp sounding cough which sometimes comes in big fits that cause him to choke. Ontop of all of this, which I realise are reflux symptoms, he has always had a strange stiffening up and going bright red in the face and not breathing. He looks like he's in horrendous pain, his face is a grimace, goes bright red, his eyes start to water, he doesn't breath and his arms are out infront of him with fists, his whole body is rigid. It's horrible and makes me cry because he really seems to be in agony. We change his position and this seems to make him come right. It only lasts seconds (between 5 and 15 I think) - it's really horrible and when it finishes he sucks in a breath and screams in pain. When we move him to ease it or make it go he's like a rock, all of him is rigid. Does anyone know anything about this? Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Help, we've told the doctors about this and they just ignore it as it's not happening at the time. I'd really appreciate it if someone can shed some light on this. Thanks heaps."

Here's hoping someone out there can help.

ARGH!

What a hellish weekend! Chris and I thought we could get away on Saturday morning without Caelan - WRONG! Well actually, we did, but boy oh boy it wasn't worth it. Chris' mum kindly stayed the night so we could leave after the 3:30am feed - yay for Grandma! So by the time Caelan was fed and back to sleep and we were showered and ready, we left at 5:30am. We got back at 9:30am to find Caelan awake - naughty boy! Poor grandma! After a tight rewrap he was put back to bed and left to cry himself to sleep (hard thing to listen to, especially when one is so tired). Unfortunately though he was due for the next feed very shortly, so was awake again and feeding pretty soon. Well after that there was pretty much no more sleep all weekend!! He wouldn't settle at all after the next feed and cried all the way through till the next and then continued on in this fashion after the next feed. It was really tough for Mummy and Daddy who were very tired - it just wasn't a happy Clark household. So Caelan came into our bed before we all went completely crazy. He slept next to me and I did a really bad thing - feed him to sleep while lying down, it's naughty but at least it got him to sleep. Thank goodness!!! Chris and Caelan both slept and I got a bit of sleep here and there - it was bliss though as the crying had stopped. I just can't sleep well with him next to me, he was really grizzly and moaning which of course meant I was awake with every noise. Whenever I tried to move a little bit away from him he would follow me like a heat seeking missile. I couldn't get away, which meant I couldn't get comfortable. We put him in his own room after the next feed and he slept after a bit of crying - horray! I finally got some sleep from about 3am to 7am. But he was horrible all weekend with it getting worse as they day went by. By the time night came round he was so exhausted that he would sleep - thank goodness he did acutally sleep at night which meant we could as well. But it's so exhausting listening to crying all the time and not being able to do anything about it. Sooooo long weekend was horrible thanks!! Absolutely sucked!

We went out on Sunday to get the medicine dispenser before having to go through the losec fight again. Wow oh wow! This thing is amazing! I love it!! He sucked and it was gone before he knew it... AARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! He's crying again - an hour and a half before he's due to wake up. Hopefully it stops... He was miserable while we were out but we just had to get it and it was good to get out of the house. We wanted to go for a walk around Mission Bay on Monday morning with Toa but decided against it because taking Caelan out would have made him worse. While out doing the groceries last night Chris was asked by someone if he had a good weekend, "No, the baby wont stop crying" was his unimpressed answer.

Actually he did stop for a while yesterday, we took that opportunity to play with him in the sun. He really enjoyed it, then the crying started again! Groan. Well he's still hollaring so I'd better go. Oh lord please let the losec work and the crying stop.

8 weeks old today

Wow how the time flies. I'm really amazed at how quickly days go by - I wake up, I feed, I comfort a screaming baby, I do some housework, I feed, I comfort a screaming baby, I feed, I comfort a screaming baby, Chris comes home, holy moly it's the end of the day. Weeks are gone before I know it and suddenly I've got an eight week old baby!

He started his losec yesterday, it's in liquid form, which he thought was the most vile thing ever. He frothed and screamed and works himself into quite a state - I felt so mean! But at least it's only 5mls once a day - I'm giving it at midday as his worst time is towards the end of the day. Today he took it much better than yesterday, then again I did make sure to shove the syringe halfway down his neck to avoid the tastebuds! hehe Poor lad! I got a call from the reflux support website co-ordinator last night which was awesome. She was able to answer my questions and give some good advice. I'm off to The Baby Factory tonight to get something called Munchkins, which is a small medicine dispenser with a teat for babies. She said it works really well for giving the losec as they suck it and it's down within a few gulps and they don't taste it as much, and it's nowhere near as traumatic as a syringe. She also told me that the granule form of losec is 25% more effective than the one I've got and much easier to administer. It's so great to have the support from people who know about this and understand how hard it is. Yay for them!

Apart from all of that Caelan's actually been pretty good for the past two days. Much better than he had been - we're seeing more smiles again and giggling which is soooo much fun. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen; he doesn't make much sound, just a little squeal as he breaths in and a gaaa on the out breath - all with the hugest open mouthed grin. So lovely! Especially compared to the face we see so often!