One of my worst nightmares came true last night – Chris fell down the stairs with Caelan. I was in our room grabbing a sweatshirt, Chris had just gotten Caelan a jersey from his room and was heading downstairs. I heard the dreaded thudding sound and my heart jumped into my throat. No! I was out the door before I knew it and looking down the stairwell to Chris on the floor at the bend halfway down the stairs with Caelan in his arms. God the terror. Chris looked shocked and scared but Caelan was fine. All I could say was “Fuck Chris” - that was all that came out. I wasn’t blaming him I was just so scared. I nearly died, it was instant fear, the kind of fear that makes your eyes water and your heart beat so hard and fast that your chest hurts and the lump in your throat is trying to choke you. Caelan was completely fine, perhaps just a little stunned wondering what just happened, but fine. A went back into our room and tried to put a sweatshirt on with hands so shaky an alcoholic with DTs would have bin proud. It took a long time to get that horrible image out of my head – the one I saw in my head when I heard the sound, not what was actually there. It’s been something I’ve been terrified of since coming home with Caelan. Heaps of people have fallen down these stairs – everybody that’s lived here as done it more than once, it’s the corner I think, perhaps the stairs aren’t quite big enough on the corner... I don’t know but I hate it. I did it when Caelan was about two months old, not with him though, I’d just put him to bed and gone downstairs and ended up falling. I fell from the middle bend all the way down to the bottom and I fell forward – it scares the shit outta me! If I was holding Caelan he would have been really hurt if not completely crushed by me. God it really scares me. After that happening last night Chris said “We HAVE to get a one level house” - I agree it’s just too scary. Though that isn’t as easy as it sounds – we’ve been looking for another house for a LONG LONG time now.
Caelan had a bad day yesterday, first one in a while. He only had one short nap early in the day and was awake from 2pm till 9:30pm when he finally settled and went to sleep. AND he didn’t sleep through the night – woke at 3am. Poos! Hopefully today will be better. Fingers crossed.